Blink And You’ll Miss It
On stopping to smell the roses
More often than I would like to admit, I find myself chasing after the next thing, I don’t often let myself celebrate even the small wins or successes in my professional and personal life. I find myself eager to push myself past my limits and keep going until I achieve the thing I want and then when I achieve it, I don’t know how to sit in the achievement. In therapy I talk a lot about the other shoe dropping never about the size of the shoe or the type of shoe but the shoe will drop nevertheless.
My therapist has often asked me the question: What would you do if the other shoe was to drop or what would you do if your worst fear were to come true? My answer begins with some sort of joke to deflect because that’s how I operate lol but I always end up answering her honestly. The truth is that I would and do figure it out. I’ve had shoes drop, plans change, dreams deferred, and outright rejections. Many of us have experienced the loss of something we really really wanted. Some of those things that I lost out on at least for now was a BuzzFeed fellowship, and a TV show. Those losses really shook me. I cried so many tears and leaned on my people. Those shoes did drop but I survived.
When I wrote my first book in 2019 titled The Pretty One, I wrote an essay at the end of the book about crying and emotions. I believed, for so long that I was really in touch with mine, and I understood how they operated and what they needed. I tried my best to give my emotions the outlet that they so deserved but what I’m realizing now so many years later is that I am not as in touch with them as I once believed. Maybe, that is why I’m always chasing the next big project or the next dream or wish or hope. If I’m chasing after something then I won’t have time to worry about the feeling of rejection or deferment or fear.
The thing is, the chase can be exciting and fun but it is also lonely. The chase is just you, your hopes, your fears, your dreams, and the work. If you’re lucky, and I am, you have people who want to see these things happen for you as well, and they will work to make it so. Thank God for them. They really do keep me going on my best days and my worst of nights. However, I’ve come to realize that I don’t want to miss what’s happening now in favor of what might happen later. I don’t want to be with the people that I love and still be busy thinking about the next thing I have to do at work or the next goal I have to achieve. I want to be with them physically and emotionally. I want to savor these moments and memories we have together because no one knows how many more we will have.
Everyone who knows me well knows how deeply I treasure my friends and family and the stock I take in nurturing my relationships. Nurturing that looks like phone calls, FaceTimes, text messages, talking on several different social media platforms at once, nicknames, plans for trips, and sharing music and videos among other things. Moments with them are priceless and they mean the world to me.
As my career grows, I find myself missing out on some of these things. Having to say no to the people that I love because I want to further my career or I have a contractual obligation. I often think of my wildest dreams, the people that I want to meet, the people that I have met, the things I hope to do, and the change I hope to make. I am slightly delusional and I believe that all of it will happen if I work hard enough and I will work hard enough. I think of the people I’ve lost along the way and the grief I carry with me every single day. One minute they were here, and the next they were gone, and I was busy chasing.
Life really is too short. Days become weeks become months become years and it’s all too precious.
I don’t want to blink and miss it…
I want to know it was a life well lived.
Xoxo,
KB
Show I’m watching and loving: Jury Duty
Song I Love: Bad Girl by Usher
4 things: this week I like my eyebrows, cheeks, Brand New Eyes tattoo, and my recently learned ability to ask for the things that I need!