One of the longest running jokes/truths in my family is that I have a terrible sense of direction. I am the kind of person who will get out of a car walk completely around it to get to the door of a building that I would’ve gotten too faster if I just walked forward. I am the kind of person who will Google Maps a place I’ve been to 1000 times from the passenger seat of somebody else’s car. Gun to my head, if someone asked me to give them directions to the apartment that I live in, I would suggest we take the risk with the shot. Not only is my sense of direction, bad, but I have terrible depth perception. An apology is as always at the edge of my lips when I find myself bumping into strangers and knocking things over.
I consider it a hazard of the job. The job being Cerebral Palsy, no, I can’t completely blame my terrible sense of direction and clumsiness on my disability. She doesn’t deserve all that lol. I do, however think that It helps answer some questions about why, despite knowing the reality of my body, navigating inside of it is harder than it should be sometimes. Especially when it comes to my poor spatial awareness.
I’ve always been aware of the space I take up, no matter where I am. I have been forced to be aware of this space, tricked, pushed, guilted into apologizing for the space I take up. The strange reality about coming from a family that loves you so deeply and sees you as you are, to going out into the world full of people who demand you apologize for all of those things that make you who you are, is jarring. The real frustration about always having an apology at the ready is that sometimes it slips out even when you don’t owe one to anyone. It is real easy to convince yourself that through some fault of your own, whether unclear in the moment or not, just by being, you are at fault and you are the problem. I have been told by strangers on the Internet for years that I must repent. In emails, direct messages, and sometimes boldly enough comments, I’ve been told that my body is a body that is a punishment and the sooner I can figure out what I did wrong and repent for it, my body will change, and my life will be “amazing“ I believed them for years and though it hurt, it hurt like hell, I convinced myself that the strangers were telling me things that my family loved me too much to tell me, these strangers knew something that I didn’t.
On my hunt to learn what I had done wrong, I discovered that the answer was simple: nothing. I discovered that disability is not a punishment I feel I should say that again: DISABILITY IS NOT A PUNISHMENT. Disability is simply a fact of life, and my being born with one is simply a fact of my life. Under the fascist thumb of our current political landscape, a long list of words that the sitting president wants to essentially ban the use of was released. On that list of words was at least one of every word used to describe every identity that I exist inside of. Every piece that makes me up, is considered something worth hiding away. The thing about living though after wanting to die is that you find yourself learning all of the reasons you want to live and holding onto them tightly like you are mid air and the parachute is the only thing keeping you alive. I don’t want to just live. I want to fly.
I am far too stubborn and too determined to let a list of words, a gaggle of liars and frauds, and their unearned and unchecked power keep me from the air.
I am after all the daughter of, the granddaughter of, and the niece of people who have fought tooth and nail for me to exist, and I will not let that work go in vain. In such trying times, I find myself returning to the work of people I deeply deeply admire. You all already know how much I love Roxane Gay and Ashley C. Ford. I’ve also been reading and listening to Frederick Joseph, Saeed Jones, Brittany Packnett Cunningham, and a slew of other Black folks who don’t have answers, but make me feel like I’m not alone in this. I remain so grateful for that.
What I know now is what I wish I knew when I was a teenager and 20 something. What I know now is that no matter what is done in efforts to hide away or dismiss me, I’m not going anywhere without a fight. I don’t need to apologize for the space I take up because everybody takes up space. I don’t need to spend so much time trying to determine if I’m worth the opportunities I have received or if my thoughts and ideas hold value. They do hold value, and also there are so many mediocre people who never question Whether or not they deserve to be where they are so why should I a person with actual talent, genuine hopes, and dreams, be questioning myself? I may not be an award-winning writer, but I have so much to say, and thankfully, an audience willing to listen. Long gone are the days of questioning what I already know to be true. I deserve everything I’m chasing after, what is meant for me will be for me. This is just the beginning and I can’t wait to see how it all turns out. At the end of the day, I come back to one truth: I deserve to be here.
Xx,
Keah
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