I have spent my life in and out of doctors’ offices, specialists’ offices, and hospitals. It’s sort of the nature of disability. If we are not being poked or prodded, it’s a good day. I say that with as much understanding as I can muster. As a person who was born with my primary disability, I have always been aware that the medical field has a lot left to learn about disabilities that come from birth and are not simply acquired over time. On Friday, May 9, 2025, I am going under general anesthesia for a minor surgery for the first time since I was 14. That surgery was anything but minor. I had my hip, my hamstring, and my Achilles tendon done all at the same time. The recovery was lethal, and a year later, I had to go back and get the pins out.
The thing about being used to hospitals and doctors’ offices is that I’m anxious and scared the entire time that I’m in them. Like most Americans, I love Grey’s Anatomy, The Pitt, and the whole slew of other medical shows on TV past and present. However, I am all too familiar with the role of a patient. Hospitals and doctors’ offices, well-meaning or not, have been reminders of my body’s limitations and reminders of my limitations as a result. I have fought off the opinion of many medical professionals who believed they knew best based off of their medical expertise and not my lived experience. Don’t get me wrong, there is so much that I do not know about medicine and medical history, but what I do know is that I wish people looked at permanent disability, not as a reason for all of the things we have “lost,” but as a reality, a fact of life, the thing that just is.
I think part of the issue is the fact that our society constantly refers to the medical model of disability and not the societal one. The medical model of disability is very dismissive of people with non-visible disabilities and operates under the assumption that people with permanent disabilities have a lower value of life. It’s eugenics and ableism at its finest. One time I had a medical professional ask me if I ever wished I wasn’t disabled, and when you’re operating from that mindset, you’re doing so much damage. When you view your patient as a person who must certainly wish for what you consider a “better“ body, then you’re not fit to care for them.
I remember when the pandemic first hit, some doctor, I don’t think it was in America, got on television and said that we simply need to prepare for old people and disabled people to die. I sat in front of my TV stunned. Why is it that we are always the ones everyone is willing to sacrifice? Why are we always the ones on the chopping block? Will we ever live in a world where we are not simply tolerated but respected?
In the current administration, we face even greater threats of silence, erasure, and the like, forced upon us by society and particularly, the people in positions of power who are already behaving as though we are plagues to society and we should be tucked or hidden away.
As I gear up to go under the knife in two days, I think of my 14-year-old self and the things she survived post-surgery and hope I’m able to do the same. I am relieved that this surgery is minor and something that should help me live a better life. In September, my sister had a surgery of her own, and I found that I much prefer being the one who deals with surgeries because she had both my anxiety and blood pressure high. Love you, Leah! Lol.
The surgery is also the first on my list that has nothing to do with my disability. I find that interesting as a person who has been under anesthesia several times in her life because of it. For a while there, I didn’t think there were any surgeries that weren’t directly connected to my disability. I keep telling myself that I’m going to be OK in order to calm my nerves, and I have been making my friends tell me the same. I kind of hope it’s like riding a bike, something that feels new but is actually something I remember, maybe something that will bring me comfort in a way I didn’t expect it to. We’ll just have to ignore the fact that I’ve never been able to ride a bike.
Until next time!
XOXO,
Keah
Share this post